Why Is Money So Hard to Talk About?

One of the most difficult issues in a marriage and a frequent cause of marital demise is the inability to talk about money and create a partnership around financial management. We’re all raised in unique family cultures, with different experiences and financial realities, and we bring our family money histories and narratives into our adult relationships. 

There are a number of different styles and personalities that define how people look at money. Individuals enter a marriage with distinct ideas and expectations but often don’t discuss them with their partner because they learned as children that talking about money is taboo. As children, they never learned how to have those conversations, and may have witnessed parental conflict over money. As a result of not talking about money, the couple never develops a partnership in visioning and organizing their financial life as a family, and they begin to struggle. When each person believes that the way they live their financial life is the right way, the only way, the best way, they may end up working at cross purposes and resentment can build (not to mention debt).

A lack of communication about family finances can serve as a lightning rod for conflict in the marriage. In the worst-case scenario, when marriages break down, adversarial and miserable divorces can ensue in which finances are a catalyst for conflict and distrust.

Oftentimes parental conflict over money becomes a problem for children who experience mom and dad having fights about finances related to them. Children can feel caught in the middle of these parental fights about their:

• Medical/dental appointments and treatments;
• Big expenditures;
• Decisions about camps and activities; and
• Schools, particularly college choices.

As children raised in divorced families where parents have not been partners around finances become young adults, they’re left in a kind of vacuum or free fall when it comes to figuring out their own financial lives. This is especially true in that period when they’re still dependent upon their parents financially. When parents don’t collaborate and give their children one consistent message about money, those children can be caught in the crossfire and find themselves at a loss for how to meet their needs. They don’t know who to ask when they have a financial need, often getting the answer, “Go ask your [other parent].” There is no unified parental message about how they can be supportive of these young adults.

Parents need to recognize the critical importance of being mindful of how young adults experience the way their parents approach money, especially if the parents are very polarized. The children need to have some clarity from both parents about their money responsibilities and how they organize their lives related to money.

Being able to have transparent, open and healthy dialogue about money doesn’t come easily to many people. Your comfort level in talking about money can have a lot to do with the family that you grew up in and your early experiences talking about these subjects. As an example, take a person who grew up in a family with a parent who was an accountant, and talking about money was standard dinner conversation. They talked about investments, interest, and stocks and all aspects of managing finances. But even people who are well-versed in those details may not be comfortable talking about differences in money management styles

It’s really important from the very outset of a relationship for people to speak about:

• Their personal relationship with money;
• Early memories about money;
• Messages they got about money from their families as they grew up; and
• What money symbolizes to them (e.g. comfort, security, pleasure, status, self-esteem).

Some people’s relationship with money is such that they are extremely frugal and careful. All they want to do is make sure that they have secured their future and that they have enough for a rainy day. For them, money is security. 

For others, money is the way to enjoy life. Treating themselves to luxuries and things that make their lives more pleasurable is the main value of money. Still, others believe saving is really critical, and make sure that the first thing they do whenever they have a paycheck is to put something aside for the future. Others don’t pay attention to money at all.

When partners have different money histories and styles, having healthy and respectful dialogue can allow them to come up with strategies that honor both of their styles and allow them to resolve conflicts before they become toxic. Building this resilience and flexibility early in a marriage can be protective for the marriage and for children. Parents can teach their children both financial literacy and responsibility, as well as the skills to have meaningful dialogues about finances.

If you would like assistance in facilitating healthy conversations about money with your partner or children, please contact us at MyDivorceRecovery.com.