Telling the Kids? Sit Down and Talk it Through First

I recently had one of the most moving and powerful experiences of my career with a high-conflict divorced couple and their 7-year-old child (identifying information has been changed). Filled with tremendous gratitude, I want to share it as an example of why it is so important to be intentional, careful, and collaborative when explaining divorce to children.

In this case, the parents have been living separately for almost 2 years. The initial separation immediately followed a violent episode that involved the police. As a result, an order of protection was in place precluding the parents from being in the same room, emailing, or calling each other.

The family structure had changed suddenly and very little had been explained to the child about why the parents no longer lived together. The child was very confused and upset, saying things like, “I don’t know why my Dad likes that house better than he likes our house,” and “Maybe my Dad doesn’t love me anymore because he doesn’t live in the house with me?”

Prior to a recent session, the parents had worked hard on repairing their relationship, and the court ultimately lifted the order of protection allowing them to speak to each other on the phone, with me present on the line as a third party. With time, the parents were able to come to my office together; and over a period of several months, we worked on a divorce narrative for their child.

The narrative very clearly explained the story of their family: the marriage, the conflict, the decision to divorce, the divorce, and the hope for the future. They created a beautiful story book, with the help of Rosalind Sedacca’s divorce story template , and included pictures and personal details to which the child could relate.

Last week, the parents sat together and told the story to the child who then had many observations and questions.

Later that week, the mom called me to let me know that when they said prayers on the night following the session, the first thing said was,  “Thank G-d for Dr. Behrman.” I have a hard time truly explaining how touched I am — I am filled with endless gratitude and tremendous hope for the family. This child experienced significant relief upon hearing the narrative, and it was truly life-changing.

Parents are responsible for thinking through the message and delivery of the divorce narrative so that the children truly understand what is happening, and can process it in a way that creates a feeling of safety.

When that does not happen, the ramifications are disastrous. For example, imagine a scenario where one parent, in the midst of a heated argument with the other, yells out, “We’re getting divorced! I don’t want it! How can you be so hurtful to me and the children, you’re breaking up our family!” By way of an impulsive, emotional statement, the children have now learned that their parents are going to be divorcing — no plan or strategy was used to convey this information, and the lack of safety is explicitly stated. How would we expect any child to react to this?

There are many options for how to talk to children about divorce. In the first example, a great deal of damage control and repair work was done, allowing the narrative to eventually help heal, and provide relief for the child.

Conversely, when a bomb is dropped in the midst of emotional tension, the ramifications can be devastating.

I implore parents who are considering divorce to put their best selves forward and take the time to figure out how to deliver the information to their children so that the changes occur in the best possible way. Remember, what transpires will become a part of the child’s permanent memory, or as we often say — their adult memories of this time.

Contact us to get started thinking about how to share the news of your divorce with your children in a way that will build resilience, protect their childhood memories and set the stage for healthy post-divorce parenting.

My Divorce Recovery

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-485-0033