Successful Mediation Often Requires an “A and B” Approach

Successful Mediation Often Requires an “A and B” Approach by Jeffrey ZimmermanDivorce is challenging and difficult to recover from — often because parents become stuck in battles of A vs. B. An A vs. B mentality inherently creates a scenario of right vs. wrong. In other words, if A is right, then B must be wrong.

Many divorce professionals try to split the difference. With this approach, the rationale is that at least each person gets some of what they want. However, many parenting decisions do not lend themselves to meeting in the middle:

  • A child can’t go to one school half of the week and another school the other half of the week.
  • Each parent should not give half the dose of medication, rather than none or all of the prescribed amount.

Differing priorities about a child’s needs does not mean that both viewpoints cannot be right or valuable. One way of bridging the gap is to understand the viewpoints and priorities of each parent and then address them by developing new options (rather than splitting the difference).

For example, the aforementioned school scenario may require understanding how the priorities of both parents — as related to their child’s educational needs — can be met by either solution or perhaps other options that have not yet even been considered. Similarly, the medication issue may require a second medical opinion focused on addressing each parent’s concerns.

When dealing with parenting decisions, the co-parenting specialist often seeks to incorporate both viewpoints. Instead of A or B, we help the parents create A and B by asking:

What options address both parents’ priorities?

Without criticism, parents begin to recognize that both viewpoints have value. Parents’ priorities are not mutually exclusive. Both can be incorporated into many decisions.

This shift to A and B helps parents avoid unnecessary conflict and can help them begin to recover from divorce. They can learn how to be on the same side of the table and honor each other’s priorities for the children. With the understanding that there is not one exclusive “truth” as it relates to their child, parents work more successfully as a team.  

Do you have a question or comment? Please contact us.

My Divorce Recovery

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-485-0033

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921