Questions to Ask Yourself After Your Marriage Ends: Whose Needs are They Anyway?

When a marriage ends, all parties grieve differently. The healing process for the divorcing couple often looks and feels very different from the children’s process. The myriad changes following divorce really impact the children. Parents who have been in painful relationships can be very eager to form a new relationship, and for their children to meet the new significant other in their lives. They may feel that their children need to see them in a healthy and happy relationship that they didn’t see during the marriage. Parents may also feel that they don’t have enough time with their new partner and with their children, and seek to maximize the time by spending time altogether. Unfortunately, many parents have a hard time seeing this experience through the eyes of their children and its impact on them.

Before introducing your children to a new significant other, it is critical to first assess whether the needs of the children are being met. This will help to determine whether it’s an appropriate time for the introduction. The children may still be grieving the end of their parents’ marriage; they may have fantasies about reconciliation and be nowhere near ready to meet a new partner. Remember that your children’s adjustment takes generally 12-18 months beyond the time they first hear of your separation and divorce.

Moreover, the child may feel replaced or displaced by this new person — which is not only upsetting, but counterproductive. For example, a child may be slowly adjusting to a new routine with Mom. She’s enjoying spending quality time with her; and then all of a sudden, a new person creates another loss — this time, it’s the loss of the time and special attention that the child has been experiencing with Mom. The child must adjust quickly to very challenging and emotional changes in the family — and this can be jarring.

No Surprises

It is critical that parents do not surprise their former spouses by having the child disclose the existence of a new partner. For instance, it is important to avoid the following scenario:

A child comes home from their other parent’s home and announces, “Oh, Mom, guess what? I met Sharon, Dad’s new ‘friend’.”

Prioritize your child and prepare the other parent first in order to avoid the child experiencing an unrehearsed emotional reaction from the surprised parent. The other parent may have questions about this new person who will be spending time with their children. Respect their concerns, let them know directly in advance, and give your child’s other parent an opportunity to ask some basic questions. Make sure they are prepared in advance so they can take a neutral stance, support your child, and not create any anxiety about feeling disloyal to you.

When it comes to a first meeting, a gradual introduction that begins with a brief, casual meeting is best practice. This should not include major holidays or extended vacations.

In our practice, we have worked with many families who have introduced a significant other with no warning; when the other parent is not prepared, it is a difficult situation for all involved.

Best Practices

Building and assessing the health of this new relationship outside of your child’s experience is imperative. Is this someone that you can see having a long-term relationship with? Do not rush the introduction and take the time needed to create a solid relationship. While certainty cannot be predicted, avoiding premature introductions can preclude disappointments. Your child has experienced loss. Other losses, like losing face time with you to your new significant other, will re-arouse or trigger memories of more loss related to the divorce. The bloom on new relationships after divorce often fades. Make sure you do not expose your child to repeated attachment and loss by introducing them to potential new partners too soon.

Here are some best practices to strive for:

1. Give the relationship with your new significant other time to develop outside of your children’s awareness.
2. Do not surprise the other parent. If it is possible, it’s helpful for the other parent to meet the new significant other before the children do.
3. Do not involve your children in the relationship’s early stages. Allow for a gradual introduction after a strong foundation has been established, and when you have a good sense that this person is likely to be in your life long term.  

Give yourself the time and space to ask the hard questions post-divorce. Contact us for help.