Mothers And Daughters: Healing Together After Divorce

By Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW

Fostering your daughter’s self-esteem and healing after your divorce is a top priority, because daughters are vulnerable to cultural influences and more at risk for low self-esteem than sons are after divorce. Studies show that girls tend to define themselves through relationships and are socialized to seek approval from others, and they look to social connections to give them a sense of self-worth.

Because girls and young women tend to derive their self-worth from relationships, they may be more vulnerable to the losses associated with a divorce in their family. There is a lot of evidence to suggest that how you talk to your daughter about her feelings and how connected she feels to both of her parents after your breakup can greatly influence her feelings of self-worth.

Additionally, divorce experts have noted that daughters are particularly vulnerable to self-doubt and fears about commitment after parental divorce, because they tend to identify with their mothers and view her to have failed at love. Often these vulnerabilities emerge during adulthood in intimate relationships, primarily due to a daughter’s altered relationship with her father.

Since nearly one third of all daughters have parents who are divorced in America, and most girls spend more time with their mothers than their fathers after divorce, it makes sense that the mother-daughter relationship would intensify. Based on more than two decades of research on daughters of divorce, I have discovered that many single mothers lean too heavily on their daughters for advice and caretaking after, and this can create a burden for a daughter and possibly turn her against her father.

In fact, in Between Fathers and Daughters, Linda Nielsen writes, “Sadly, only 10-15 percent of fathers and daughters get to enjoy the benefits of shared parenting.” Nielsen recommends that mothers and fathers encourage their daughter to spend close to equal time with both parents and give her messages such as, “Both your dad and I made mistakes in our marriage, but we are good parents.”

Can Mothers and Daughters Be Too Close?

Why exactly is the mother-daughter relationship so complicated? In Our Fathers, Ourselves, Dr. Peggy Drexler notes that many mothers like to feel connected to their daughters, and, in many cases, their daughters’ friends and they seek validation from them. She writes, “At a time when there is so much societal pressure to stay young, this helps keep us feeling youthful. It also helps us feel appreciated long after our children stop “needing” us to survive.”

In my opinion, a mother’s need for closeness with her daughter might intensify after divorce when the mother’s coping skills are strained. In fact, the mother-daughter best friend idea could even lead to a competitive edge and tension between them.

For instance, Kelly has been divorced for over three years, and she often goes on shopping trips with her sixteen-year-old daughter, Marisa. While she enjoys many aspects of these outings, Marisa admits that her mom may be living vicariously through her. She says, “My mom likes to shop and always wants my opinion on her new clothes, and I don’t have the heart to tell her I’d rather not comment. Sometimes I just want to be with my friends.”  

Boundaries are Essential to a Healthy Relationship

Boundaries are an important aspect of any relationship, but they are especially critical for mothers and daughters after the breakup of a family. As mothers, we want our daughters to grow up to be independent and self-confident. But when we are overly involved and encourage them to tell us all of their deep, dark secrets, this may make it problematic for them to break away and to establish their autonomy – a crucial developmental task of adolescent identity formation.

It’s also a boundary violation when mothers confide too much personal information to their daughters. Bailey, a twenty something redhead that I interviewed recently, stated, “Sometimes, I don’t know what the boundaries are between my mom and me – I guess you can say they seem fuzzy. I don’t like it when she confides bad things about my dad or stepfather to me because it makes it hard for me to like them.”

Here are 10 things I’ve learned about the mother-daughter relationship after divorce:

• Love means letting go. Try not to lean on your daughter too much. Give her space to grow and to develop her own identity.
• Your daughter is not your friend. Don’t confide in her when it comes to personal information that doesn’t involve her. You can enjoy each other’s company and be connected, yet be autonomous individuals. She’ll need to question you at times in order to find her own way.
• Create a safe atmosphere for her to discuss her feelings – be sure to listen and validate them.
• Don’t bad mouth your ex-spouse as this will only promote loyalty conflicts and made it more difficult for her to feel good about herself.
• Don’t ask too much of her. Keep your expectations realistic and realize she can’t make up for what you didn’t get from your mother or other relationships.
• Encourage her to be assertive – to speak her mind even when it might be unpopular to do so. Don’t raise her to be a “pleaser.” Create opportunities for her to express her opinions without censoring them. Protect her from cultural influences which focus on her role as a caretaker. She can be nurturing but still be assertive, strong, and independent.
• Direct your praise away from her body and appearance and comment on her talents and strengths. Say things like, “You look so healthy.” Or, “I can see how happy you are – you’re radiant.”
• Be mindful of modeling healthy communication with family members and intimate partners. My research showed that parental conflict – before and after divorce – was associated with low self-esteem in daughters of divorce compared to sons in my study.
• Encourage your daughter to have a close bond with her father. After all, a daughter’s relationship with her father is the first one that teaches her how a man should treat her. If this isn’t possible, be sure to expose her to male family members such as her grandfather or uncle.
• Have faith in your daughter. While it may be hard to let go, you can delight in watching your daughter grow into a self-confident person.

There are many ways that mothers can help their daughters establish a separate identity and healthy self-esteem after divorce. Accepting that your daughter is different from you and has her own personality, interests, and choices will help you to stay back while she learns from her mistakes. You can’t live through her or save her from the pain that comes with growing into womanhood – but you can delight in her joys.

Follow Terry Gaspard on Twitter, Facebook, and movingpastdivorce.com. Terry’s book, Daughters of Divorce: Overcome the Legacy of Your Parents’ Breakup and Enjoy a Happy, Long-Lasting Relationship is also available as an eBook.