Looking Through the Eyes of a Child Whose Parents are in Deep Conflict

When we think of the ripple effects of divorce, we tend to think about the effects on the immediate family — the children of the divorcing couple in particular.

Divorce not only affects the nuclear family, but extends from generation to generation. In this article, I will share a colleague’s story about the profound and devastating effects of divorce on her and her family. Her hope in sharing this, as is ours at My Divorce Recovery, is that parents can focus their energies on progress and teamwork — rather than conflict.

My colleague Sharon’s parents divorced when she was three, and her brother was six. From ages three to seven, she barely remembers seeing her father (although the parenting plan indicated that he was to see her every other weekend).

When she was seven years old and in the second grade, Sharon participated in a dance recital. She recalls that the morning before the recital was filled with excitement, dressing, and putting on makeup for pictures and the performance. Her father arrived at her mother’s home unexpectedly and, immediately, her parents began to argue and fight about whether her father could drive her to the recital.

The fight quickly escalated and became physical. Sharon and her mother ran into the bedroom, shut, and locked the door — using their bodies to further barricade the door.

Sharon’s father banged against the door until it broke. And then he beat her mother in front of Sharon. Her mother had to be transported to the hospital by ambulance after neighbors heard the screams and called the police.

Sharon was helpless and terrified, but her mother’s friend took her to the dance recital anyway. She miraculously was able to perform and have her pictures taken. (This demonstrates the resilience of children!)

Ultimately, her mother did not press charges for fear that her children would not have a father figure in their lives. However, after this incident, Sharon’s brother (who was not home at the time of the assault) would hide in the closet whenever their father came over. Sharon would stoically go alone to see him.

Regarding the assault, her father tried to explain and place blame on her mother — and over time, Sharon forgave him. Her brother refused to have a relationship with their father so Sharon carried that burden for the two of them.

Her father’s inconsistency in her life carried on for years. Then when she was in the 5th grade, Hanukkah (celebrated by her mother) overlapped with Christmas (celebrated by her father). Another screaming match ensued over the fact that Sharon chose to celebrate with her mother.

After that, she didn’t see her father again until she was 18 (an eight-year gap). During those years, her memories consisted of listening through the door while her mother hid in the closet and fought with her father over the telephone.

At the age of 18, on her mother’s suggestion, Sharon and her brother initiated contact with their father. A tepid relationship began again. Sharon’s dad attended her wedding and babysat for her first child for a period of time when her son was young.

Then he disappeared nine years ago. Her children do not see their grandfather. Sharon has come to find out that her brother has continued a relationship with her father — and unfortunately she and her brother have lost their connection.

Parental conflict that is unresolved can fracture and rupture relationships across generations. My colleague Sharon’s story is a cautionary tale — devastation can be far reaching when parents cannot work through conflict.

My Divorce Recovery

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-485-0033