Looking Inward for Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is the value that we place on ourselves.

Unfortunately, we often permit that value to be determined by whoever is looking at us—our audience. That may not be the best way to have self-esteem defined, but often, as individuals, we take those cues and run with them.

As children, we looked to our parents to define our world and our value. Whether they said “Good job!” or “Bad job!” we learned to look to the important people in our lives to determine our self-worth. For example a child, who might otherwise have no reason to be ashamed of being short in stature, could face serious blows to his or her self-esteem if one or both parents were adamant about him or her becoming a superstar in basketball. “You’re too short,” might become a familiar refrain, teaching the child that he or she is not good enough.

Later on in life, we continue our tendency to derive our self-esteem from the perceptions of others, and divorce is no exception. Family members, especially the other spouse, may be judgmental and say things like:

• How can you possibly leave?
• How could you possibly think I could stay?
• You are a bad person for ruining my life.
• Did you even think of the children?

It is very easy to absorb verbal missives such as these and subsequently define our own self-worth according to these alternate narratives—in spite of the fact that we are good people, as valuable now as we were when we were first born.

The inherent worth that was there on the day of our birth hasn’t gone anywhere, even if we find ourselves in front of an audience that is devaluing us.

In order to persevere through such situations, it is important to look deeply inward and to say, “Wait a second, my inherent worth is still there, even though I had to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. Moving forward, perhaps I can really look at honoring that worth.”

For more information about how to honor your inherent worth, contact us!

My Divorce Recovery

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
914-288-8428