How to Get Out of an Argument: 5 Steps
The first article in this series discussed how to avoid getting drawn into conflict. If you can’t avoid it, this article outlines 5 steps for getting out of the conflict.
1. Focus on Interests and Action Plans, Not a Debate About Position-and-History.
Ask yourself:
- Why is the other parent’s position so important to them?
- What are they trying to accomplish?
- What’s the reasoning behind it?
Let’s say you heard from the other parent, “I think [our child] should take a robotics class, because [s/he] is not good at sports.” You might think the child is good at sports but robotics is good because of the child’s scientific interests. You both could argue about how much sports ability the child has or does not have. But if you think robotics is a pretty good option, you might say, “It’s great that you want [our child] to take a robotics class. Sure, let’s sign up. Do you want to or should I?”
2. Look at Reasonable Options, Not on Winning.
Keep it focused, “Is this reasonable?” Even if your spouse thinks “A” is better, and you think “B” is better — if “A” is reasonable, it may be okay to go with that. You don’t have to win.
3. Keep It About the Child.
You don’t need to focus on which of you did what in the past or will do something in the future. Keep it child-focused. Work to understand what’s underneath the request or the position of the other parent.
4. Set Policies to Get Around These Kinds of Disputes.
If there is a dispute, focus on options for getting around it rather than just prevailing or even “meeting in the middle.” There are many parenting decisions where you can’t meet in the middle. For example, deciding on the child’s doctor can’t be a “meet in the middle” solution. Parents can’t say, “Well, you want Dr. Smith, and I want Dr. Jones, so half the time the child goes to Smith and half the time the child will go to Jones.” That’s probably not going to work.
You may need to look at a different way of solving the problem and you may want to set a policy to handle these types of decisions that will likely come up again and again. For example with the doctor each of you will have an opinion — you might really like the doctor, or think the doctor is okay, or really dislike the doctor. You could then have an overarching policy that if there’s any professional that either of you really dislikes, that person is not an option even if one parent really likes that professional. The policy can be that both of you have to at least be okay with the professional who is working with your child. This then can extend to tutors, coaches, psychotherapists, etc.
5. Don’t Let Your Ego Take Over.
There’s nothing to win here in the battle because as soon as you’re battling — making it about what either of you did or are thinking, you’re no longer focused on your child. You’re making it about yourselves. You are making it about “you”, even if it sounds like you’re focused on your child.
By the way, the other parent is probably the last person for you to look to for recognition, support, or validation, and also, you are probably the last person that’s going to make them change and understand the truth as you see it.
So try to suspend those needs. Instead, say to yourself, “Okay, they don’t think I’m qualified to make that decision. They don’t agree with me. They don’t respect me, I get that. Meanwhile, we still have to make a decision. I’m not going to fight to prove my worth to this person. I don’t have to prove anything to them, but we do have to decide which doctor we’re going to use and how to pick other professionals in the future.”
We can’t always do this on our own. Coping with the loss of a marriage is something that our childhoods and early years don’t prepare us for. If you feel like you’re really stuck in the pain, and you can’t see beyond the losses, then it may be time to reach out to a mental health professional or perhaps to come to one of the groups that we run from time to time on Divorce Recovery. If you are interested in our groups/workshops, you can let us know by going on the website and sending in a form or emailing us.