Getting Out of the Marital Dynamic

A divorcing couple’s marital dynamic — often the usual pattern of unproductive interactions — is so entrenched that it can be challenging for divorce professionals to avoid it as well.

Many high-conflict couples often interact as “mind readers.” Each person is definitively sure what the other thinks, feels, and intends. Although the level of certainty is absolute, the likely reality is that one’s perspective about the other may be incorrect or only partially correct at best.

As a professional who works with divorcing couples, I can see that this is often the case. When I meet with a client individually, his or her individual perspective can be entirely different from the one that the other person assumes. In fact, I have learned that often my assumptions are also incorrect. I have to ask lots of questions to be sure I truly understand the other person.

Our mind often seeks to draw overarching conclusions from scraps of information. This may be very important for survival (I hear a telltale rattle on a hike and don’t need visual confirmation to know I need to move in the opposite direction). However, it often does not work well at all in our more complicated interpersonal interactions.

Sessions with high-conflict couples can easily start to look like two children in a school yard insulting each other. There, a small attack begets a bigger one, and then another and another in response. Before you know it, words escalate, and a teacher has to break it up.

In the case of divorcing couples, the experience of the school yard brawl can play out in the adversarial legal process. If we want to help parents ultimately be able to work together as the primary caretakers of their children, we need to help them partner together where they can; even if vigorous legal representation is in place. The question is — how?

When it comes to parenting, focus on specific plans of action (not intent and motivation). Help parents define and then stick to the plans they set.

Regardless of whether parents have the same reasoning, they can often agree on an action. Arguments are often about the reasoning and its historical or emotional meaning. By focusing on the plan itself, the contentious history can have less of an impact on the present decision.

Talk about what the parents are going to do. Avoid trying to debate positions and who is “right.”

Recognize that we often don’t know what is absolutely best for a child. For example, parents and the child can agree that a specific extra-curricular activity would be best, only to find later that it didn’t work out at all. Similarly, boards of directors can make decisions for the organization even when there is absolute disagreement. In other words, the issue is decided by a margin of one vote (the furthest thing from a consensus). Yet, the organization moves forward with the action plan or decision in spite of disagreement. Parents in intact families often disagree but make decisions nevertheless (i.e., “We’ll try it your way.”). Often, children don’t have time to wait for divorcing parents to reach agreement, as decisions are time sensitive and need to be made one way or the other, even if there is disagreement.

Steer the conversation away from client flaws, blame and history. Instead, we can focus on the future and action items.

We can try to help ensure that we and the clients do not engage in the old mind reading, tumultuous dynamic. Shifting the focus off of the marital dynamic can help parents truly focus on their children (rather than each other).

Please contact us with your questions about how we can help clients work together without getting stuck in their marital dynamic.

My Divorce Recovery

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-485-0033

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921