Creating Boundaries to Decrease Conflict Between Parents

Conflict between divorcing parents often results from judgment — both feeling judged by the other parent, and judging the other parent yourself. It takes the form of criticism and blame around parenting style, values, decisions, and even personality traits. Judgment leads to hostile counter-criticism, blame, and often avoidance. The bucket of conflict then begins to overflow.

Parents can circumvent this problematic dynamic by:

Not judging the other; and
Not absorbing the implied or actual judgment from the other.

This is easier said than done for most people. However, even if one of you commits to being less judgmental and less defensive when you feel judged, the fires of conflict can reduce because one person is not stoking the embers. These internal boundaries can also be complemented by maintaining important external boundaries such as:

Respecting the Other Parent’s Parenting Style

It is important for each parent to respect the other’s wishes with regard to how their household is run. The situation is like that of two teachers who teach in the same grade, but have completely different classroom styles. Both teachers can be viewed as excellent in spite of their different approaches. Children adjust to the distinctions and differences — and they can with parents as well.

By respecting the difference in parenting styles and skills, it is easier to avoid conflict. Each parent is as they are, which is not necessarily the idealized version the other would like to see. Criticism and blame don’t change that.

Keeping the Conversation Child-Focused

It is also important to maintain boundaries around issues (such as job, spending habits, choice of significant other, etc.). Instead, the focus should always be on what is happening with the child.

There is a difference between the two statements:

“You’re too lenient about bedtime. The kids take advantage of you and then are tired in school the next day.”
“Let’s agree on a window of time that the children should generally go to sleep on school nights. How about between 8:30 and 9:00pm?”

The latter statement is judgment-free and strives to solely create a child-focused policy. It does not provoke the answer, “Well, you’re too rigid.” Instead it addresses just the policy, not each parent’s personality. It does not debate who is “right” or knows what is best, and who doesn’t.

By implementing boundaries, structures, and policies parents can keep the needs of the child in view, rather than the conflict and hostility and feelings they have towards one another. They can let their child truly come first.

My Divorce Recovery

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-485-0033

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921