Co-Parenting in the Age of COVID-19
These are unprecedented and extraordinary times, to say the least! The landscape is fluid and changing minute by minute and day to day. Parents are worrying about their own health in addition to that of their children, parents, siblings, community, friends. They are also worried about their businesses, livelihood and finances, today and in the future. Children are out of school and home 24/7.
Many parents are working from home and other parents are out of work completely as their workplaces have been shuttered. We don’t know how long this will last and we don’t know what the fallout will be when it is behind us.
For divorced parents who are in high conflict, parenting through a crisis can be unusually challenging. You’re living in two different homes and have a parenting plan but there is nothing in your parenting agreements or plan that prepares you for a pandemic. You may have to figure things out on the spot. When communication is challenging, and there’s mistrust, it can be overwhelming.
As parents, we can look at this as an opportunity to build resilience in our children. As high-conflict parents, you can look at it as an opportunity to refocus your co-parenting relationship and put the mistrust, wounds, and issues that divide you aside, because the pandemic is such a major external threat to everyone’s well-being.
Here is some practical advice to help you parent your children through this crisis:
- Work together as parents to demonstrate calm in the face of the unknown. By regulating your own emotions with your co-parent, you will be able to give your child the message that you maintain some control, even in the face of uncertainty. If you are feeling anxiety or panic or overwhelmed, find an adult friend or relative to talk with, to protect your children from experiencing your raw emotion.
- Reassure your children about your safety and the safety of the family. Discuss the actions you are taking to stay safe.
- Maintain a structure to the day, even though the children are not in school. Keep mealtimes and bedtime consistent. Have a structured school time, work time and playtime. Work together to maintain structure in both homes.
- Develop a joint, age-appropriate message to clarify misconceptions and explain to your children what’s happening in the world. Make sure that you do your best to control what your children hear, and encourage them to express their anxieties and fears.
- Agree to teach your children strategies like hand-washing and cleaning surfaces, which will decrease their chances of getting sick, allowing them to stay healthy and safe.
- Teach your children about social distancing, which is one of the challenges with kids at home. Consider jointly limiting or eliminating playdates as they expose your children to other people’s children and, by extension, people they’ve been exposed to.
- To avoid conflict, stick to the structure of your parenting plan wherever possible. However, these times are extraordinary and may call for co-parent flexibility and changes in your parenting time. It may not be safe for your child to travel back and forth to get from one parent to the other. If one parent has been exposed, has traveled, or is working out in the world, it may make more sense to connect with the children remotely. Similarly, one parent may need to be available for aging relatives. Here again, working together can allow you to flex the schedule in order to make decisions that are child-centered in terms of safety and wellness.
- If you’re separated from your child for any reason, there are many ways to visit and interact via a remote video platform:
- Play online games together such as chess, hangman, poker, or dots.
- Read a story together.
- Depending upon the age of your child, have a virtual book club. Read the same book and then discuss it.
- Sing or play musical instruments together.
- Watch a movie or a TV series together.
- Create some kind of an alternative universe online.
- Write a story together.
In short, this is the time to prioritize the well-being and safety of your children and yourselves. It is not about old arguments. Set the standard for excellence in co-parenting (regardless of whether the other parent joins you). Take care of yourselves and your children. Be safe and be well.
If you are not able as parents to have a productive conversation about how you can join together as a team to co-parent your children during this crisis, you can access our expertise in co-parent counseling and mediation of parenting issues. We can help you have those important conversations via telephone or video to reduce conflict and create solutions.