Broad-Spectrum Parenting

Most of us are familiar with the concept of “fight or flight”—when attacked, many forms of life will choose either to fight the enemy or to flee from the dangerous situation. This concept can also be applied to co-parenting relationships during which parents often engage in hostile or defensive communication.

Fight might take the form of criticism or blame, and then counter-criticism or counter-blame. For example, if one parent says, “You were late picking up the children yesterday,” the other might retort, “Yeah, well, you didn’t give me proper notice of your vacation plans with the children.” Flight often manifests in a spouse not responding to emails, calls, and texts—basically, withdrawing and avoiding the conflict.

Neither fight nor flight helps parents work together as a team. Both methods interfere with effective communication. What if, instead of choosing fight or flight, parents shift their perspective and acknowledge (rather than try to change) each other as they are? Yes, your children have a parent who is flawed. Actually, they have two parents who are flawed. One parent might be making mistakes today, but in all likelihood, the other parent will be making mistakes tomorrow. Each parent has his or her own set of flaws—and strengths.

For visual thinkers like me, it might help to imagine a Venn diagram, with two circles that overlap in the middle, each circle representing the strengths of one of the parents. Some circles overlap more than others, but they will not likely overlap 100%. If they did, children would have a very narrow range of strengths available to them. Children are better off when they can benefit fully from both sets of parental strengths.

It is also worth remembering that there is more than one valid way to parent a child in most circumstances. For example, one parent might be very task-oriented, while the other parent might be more laid-back. If the child is getting an overwhelming amount of homework, the first parent might say, “Even if you’re up until 10:30 p.m., you need to finish your homework.” The second parent, by contrast, might say, “Enough is enough. You’ve been working on this since you got home and it’s now bedtime. I’ll write a note to your teacher.”

Neither of these responses, in and of themselves, would be considered hurtful to the child. They are both valid approaches to the same situation. In the long run, it can be helpful for the child to experience both, as each strategy might be appropriate at different times.

In this example, the child needs to learn that sometimes, it’s important to be persistent and follow through with a task, while other times, it’s better to be self-nurturing and flexible. Both parenting styles can come in handy to help the child be more adaptive and successful in life.

This “broad spectrum” of parenting behavior can be freeing and empowering for co-parenting after divorce. When we stop micromanaging and instead accept the other parent’s strengths and weaknesses, we get out of each other’s hair. We can begin to go from defensive communication to collaborative communication, and it can become easier to work with the other parent.

Can you begin to recover from divorce by not expecting the other parent to be the idealized version of themselves? Can you initiate healthy, instead of fight/flight interactions? More effective co-parenting communication can benefit you and your children.

My Divorce Recovery

Jeffrey Zimmerman, Ph.D., ABPP
JeffZimmermanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
212-799-7921

Lauren Behrman, Ph.D.
LaurenBehrmanPhD@MyDivorceRecovery.com
914-288-8428